I thought
to write this today
Suffering from an ailment
sitting on my porch
smoking a cigarette
to autumn
and yellow-red falling leaves
Last night I lay in heat
with something burning inside
as I watched the passing hours
my mother calls it
an early warning sign
of illness
and sometimes I wonder
if she's not right
or if it's the price to pay
for the life I've led
But mostly
I think
it's an understanding
trying to force its way
into consciousness
an acceptance that I've done enough
said enough
wasted enough time
and now it's time to act
my perception is becoming clearer
I notice more helicopters
and more fear
I notice a re-evaluation
I notice a change
most especially,
in myself
I no longer
want to be the hero
or at least
the one I wanted to be
before
I no longer want to be the toughest,
drunkest,
manlinest,
smartest,
coolest,
most sarcastic
or criticizing
I will return to what I should've
returned to all along…
myself
and what I can contribute
to the world:
my words,
not a legend